kolomee, please?

Don’t you be wondering, why I don’t take photos any more? Because there is something wrong with my camera, or the memory card. Whichever, it doesn’t matter anyway. It has taken away a part of me along with it, my passion. It hurts to even look at photos,  it hurts to even know the person responsible for it does not even give a damn. And I keep quiet, it kills me. Now that I have found my rock to actually talk about it, after 2 months? It pains me even now. It scratches my soul to even look at this beautiful world, its beautiful scenery, the colourful flowers. The spectrum. And not be able to capture any of them. Yet I smile at the beauty, but I can’t feel the way I used to. I am holding back all these vulgarities at the tip of my tongue, at the tip of my mind, my fingers. I could’ve broken down if this was me, saying all this, a month ago. People thrust knives into me, when they ask me about my camera. And I pretend to care, but I never pretend a smile. Because I cannot. I don’t have that much strength. I’ve wept and I’ve cried. Sometimes those questions pull me down, sometimes I throw mental vulgarities at those innocent people who knew nothing. But most of the time I find ways to avoid, to escape (‘:

So I got an email from my lecturer informing us that our results for Assignment 2 for MAS1403 are out. So I felt sheer anxiety, so so nervous. Well I quote my self saying “..I am really doubtful about my MAS1403 assignment, which I have quite a wild feeling that I’d get 2nd class..” which I thought I did it with lack of care and attention, and I thought I’ve skipped so many steps and workings. And you know when you get first class, with a mark of 80 for something you knew lacked your love, you’d be grateful and happy? And I got a 100 out of a 100 and I was like WHATTHEFUCK? And sat there, stared at the screen, and then Alhamdulillah and stared some more. And I thought presentation would worth some marks. And I swear, you want a mental picture of how my assignment’s like? I don’t remember it looking like it’s worth anything – besides from the answers, kalau based on answers the, possibly a 100 wouldn’t be so shocking. Nevertheless Alhamdulillah always (:

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One thought on “kolomee, please?

  1. That is alot to hold in… I hope you can start a new.. You are a very talented artist might I say and you should never stop!

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