Sit back and smile

I accidentally dropped my laptop last night. I was absent from the world yesterday, confined in my own room, feeding only on pancakes and fried rice. Good food at least, rather than what I’ve been feeding on the past weeks – biscuits.

Have I been giving off too many chances? Have I been too vile? God, how did I get here. So many unspoken words and misunderstandings. It all became clear though. But, it’s too late for explanations, whichever it is – my heart or my brain – has completely shut, that whatever was said, whatever is to be said, whatever is there for me to believe, can no longer be processed, nothing is valid. Though I understood every word that was said. But those words don’t make any sense.

As though you are telling me that you can fly – I understand, but do I believe you? Don’t even make sense.

For a while I thought it worked, but hey, what do I know? I really don’t know what to do any more. Strange thing is that I feel calmer now, despite all the crap I just stepped on. I feel blank, and numb. What’s the point of frowning and feeling sorry for this crap, when I don’t even know what to do about it, but maybe, perhaps… be different? I was raised in an environment that has made me so forgiving, and kind and to be nice to others. I guess it has to change now. And after 20 years, that is definitely not an easy thing to do. Can’t be too nice in this corrupted place, mm? (:

I have nothing else to say, don’t know what else is left to do, running out of ideas. Cry? I don’t even know if it means anything. It won’t fix anything. I guess I’ll just stay shut, sit back and smile. And think differently now, like scenario planning – locate myself, to where I’ve completely lost my sense of warmth and cordiality – what would I do? Slap and scream? Easy said than done.

I’d like to talk to somebody, but it’s getting old and repetitive. Don’t think anyone would give a crap. Even I am getting sick and tired of this. This is the lowest point of my life so far, definitely. But I guess it’s just a phase. Shit happens, some people could be going through shit shittier than mine. Alhamdulillah.

I know some things I’ve mentioned are too vague to understand. I have my own reasons for the intentional ambiguity of my stories.

Can’t believe I’ll be somewhere in Italy in less than three weeks time, and yeah – in Italy and trying to ignore what’s left in my bank account. But hey, life is too short. So whatever? Will be going to Manchester next week. And then, not quite sure what’ll happen. Right, we were supposed to check out the new house today, so I postponed my plan to head for the library. And guess what? Nothing happened. Here I am in my room. Oh well…


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