Maybe I am letting my emotions run over me again, it’s good sometimes. It is significantly better than to act strong or to put on a mask of pretension – it will only eat you up inside. When things around you snap at you, you see the world and your life in a much more clearer picture. Why whine over the things that could’ve, should’ve and would’ve been now? Wouldn’t it be better to fix the mess now for a better tomorrow?
It struck me again today. Reality hit me, as if it was an eight-wheeler truck. It’s not that I’ve been turning my back on reality nor been hit by an eight-wheeler truck, but things just became clearer. To type these words is like putting myself on repeat. Because it had become clearer a number of times before. And because I keep finding my self in the same shit hole after all those efforts of clawing my way back up. I don’t understand why – why do I keep finding things becoming clearer and then start building up my strength to put up with it, but only to find the next days that I simply ignore its consequences where I subconsciously choose certain rational facts to be vague? And then end up in the same tangled mess, over and over again. That? I know I have to be stronger.
I went outside at 5 in the morning about half an hour ago, sat on the rattan chair at the back on my own and immersed myself in the beautiful silence of a breezy Sunday morning, stared up at the sky – it was peaceful, although I could feel the raindrops fall lightly on my skin, the cold didn’t bother me. Peaceful.
“… oh Allah, when I lose hope because my plans have come to nothing, help me remember that your love is always greater than my disappointments, and your plans for my life are better than my dreams ..”
I think I better go to sleep now, and wake up to a new day, a new smile – stronger (: