I could be in love, but I just don’t care

Did I just cry myself to sleep at 5pm yesterday and wake up at 3am this morning? Who said big girls don’t cry? Funny.

I don’t know what to say to that. I guess I’ll just shrug to it. I don’t know why am I pretending that I don’t care, when everything feels like there’s something else. But I do know, at the end of the day all I have to do is shove it down my throat. Eventually I will swallow it no matter how painful it would be. But if I am trying to hold on to what I believe in, and if I am trying to hold on to faith. Then I believe that’s the right thing to do. Is that my only option? When everything else didn’t work, then yes it is my only option.

You have to make choices. What you choose and what you choose not to do is not a matter of what your mama and papa taught you. Quite simply, if its against your personal belief, then you’ll know what to do and what to choose. Sometimes, my mind would linger on the possibilities of things, how this will work out without stepping on my own beliefs. But, nah.

Although it may sound easy, for me to simply shove it all away. Not really. I have urges, and I have feelings. We’ve been going in circles. And yesterday I realised that we’re going straight. I’ve wondered if we could do a little curve, to at least save what we had. Not a circle, just a curve or a bend, whatever you call it. But I realised that I wanted more, and that’s when I asked myself – “What am I doing here?”

I wasn’t supposed to. I wanted this, and you want that. Now I guess, its decent to have that. And move on at the same pace. I was a little bit slower.

That’s when things are not worth your (after)life. I see things beyond life in this world. That’s why it matters.

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