A warm kind-of conversation.

I went out to meet an old friend today, somebody who used to be so special to me. It was a nice, warm kind-of conversation. Catching up and reminiscing about old times. That was the first time we met, properly, after disappearing from each other’s lives over six years ago. It was a mixture of so many emotions; sadness, warmth, happiness, relief. So all that together, is not really describable, but a good feeling. Something that lingers in your head for a while. It was some sort of a closure. But we both know there were too many things to talk about, for closure, that wasn’t enough.

Its funny how after six years, now we question what really happened to us? Well, all in all, it was good to see him again. We have both moved on, but I guess because of how we both sailed without saying goodbyes or anything, and left each other hanging, that’s why it was a bit strange, a nice kind of strange. Re-visiting who we were, our choices, and our lives. How we’ve not really changed so much, and how we’re still comfortable talking to each other. But what made me smile, is that how he told me about his life, like a splurge of things that happened between six years ago and now, like a talking timeline. It was a really really good talk, and it wasn’t really enough. So many things. I guess that was a reflection of how damn close we were (:

InsyAllah, until next time.

Making Money on Instagram – Scam?

OMG. Its been a while since I last posted. How is everyone doing? I am thinking of getting active with blogging again. I haven’t really had taken the time to sit and think to what really happened to me with my blogging activities. I have gradually isolated myself, and disappeared to a place far far away. Sorry. I had a hard time trying to log in earlier on, because I have forgotten my log in details! That’s how long I’ve been away. I’m embarking on a very interesting journey, I cannot promise it will be easy and all happy. But its going to be a mixture of excitement, anxiety, and everything in between up and down. I am thrilled. Alhamdulillah.

Anyways. I originally wanted to talk about a fad that has been going on on Instagram (IG) for a while (and for the past few weeks, as for me). There’s been numerous times I’ve been added by these random people on IG – and when I went to their profiles to check, there’s a number of things that they all have in common. They usually have only approximately, around 2-15 pictures on their account, and they always have something like; “..I make money with my my iPhone 5 or 4 or with my smartphone” on the description space, with a link to go to. I’m pretty sure most of us would get skeptical or maybe, automatically think it is a scam. So this morning, after waking up to another bunch of random people on IG with nearly similar profile descriptions, plus a link to go to; as I lay on my bed I have finally decided to investigate this phenomena. I went to check the link (after preparing myself with the possibilities of getting hacked or getting my gadget infected by virus) in my case it was, InstaProfitGram (IPG). The site simply gives you information about how much you can make every month, stuff like that. But nothing in details about how it works. So it wasn’t helpful (to me) at all.

And then, I stumbled upon this video, which sort of answered everything I was curious about. The guy in the video didn’t specifically speak about, or refer to IPG though, but something similar to it. If you’re actually interested in these kind of things, you can do more research on it. But I was only interested in what it is as a whole as I am being spammed with add requests to my IG account for the past many days, so on my part everything has been detailed and summed up in that one video. Either way, I still suggest you watch it if you are somewhere in between skeptical to interested, or just plain curious (:

Anyway, I am thinking of getting a compact digital camera. My DSLR is way too bulky to take around, not fun when I just want to randomly point and shoot, y’know.

Lethargic

I’ve been having troubles logging in, but I think it has got something to do with the excruciatingly slow internet connection. I had a lot to write about, there were times where my soul felt as if it was going to burst. Not in a bad or good way, but I would say in an expressive kind of burst. And I seem to have problems getting myself to read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.. I don’t know what it is, but I get bored, man. I’m surprised. Then again I was getting around to do a piece for my mom, a painting of a hibiscus, or a rose maybe? She did imply she wants flower(s), and I realised it was a bit too heavy for me now. Its just one of those days when I am just uninspired. Well I thought I was, but maybe I wasn’t feeling it enough. I need to get away from painting for a while, and pick up a book and get carried away. But I have missed writing so much (:

This feels so relieving. The kind when you held on to your piss for a while, and then you take a leak? Yeah, sort of. Haha! I really need to get a sewing machine soon. I can’t wait!

On top of everything else, I haven’t bought a single ticket (plane, trains, etc.) to get back to UK, let alone Newcastle.. I have no idea how its going to be like in the next two weeks, but I hope it gets busy. Its been quiet for so long, almost too still, its time for that little bit of chaos. I hope I get that two important calls, both by this week, both with some good news. InsyAllah. I’m going to miss Brunei but hey, I can’t do this any longer. I feel like a rotting log. I need to do something, or I’ll go insane. I need to get back, do something.

Flipping pages.

This feels like flipping into a brand new page of a book. Those days may have passed, but I know I can always look back, smile and feel. Its been so long since. Its been a while that now it feels like its a start of something, something new. But always uncertain. Bismillah, if this is it. Let it go smoothly for me, it does not have to be easy, but insyAllah let it be worthwhile.

Guide yourself.

Its sad that there are people in this world who are beautiful, and yet so hideous. Its unbelievable how people can be so absorbed in their beauty and vanity that they think the world revolves around them. Its a shame when the hearts and the brains that Allah blessed us with are not utilised. You become so dumb and selfish, and so blinded that you become too unattractive. You surrender to your beauty and you find pleasure when people devour in your appearance. But it goes too far when you start whoring yourself around just for attention and to tell the world that you are so damn good in bed. Honey, there is a fine line between attention-whoring and being a whore. You have no idea how much I fear for you, you are losing control of yourself and in your emotions. Get it together, quick.

I know at the end of the day we are all human, that we do not need to be in one solid piece every second of the day. You can pretend you are strong all you want, put up a solid face and write beautiful stories just to feed your ego. You can lie to people, but honey you can’t lie to yourself. For once, put that white flag down and stop surrendering to you weaknesses and excuses that you’ve created for yourself and for the people around you to believe. Get up, get it together and be strong. Stop depending on others and the cocks you’ve fucked to push you along your life journey. This life is yours, people come and people go – they make up the chapters of your life. But by any means do not let anybody to hold the pen. You write your own stories. You hold the wheel and stir.

I am concerned because, you’re sinking too low. This world and this life is a beautiful struggle, it can be a dangerous place and it can be paradise. But we all know, once your hands are off you wheel, once you’ve lost your pen. And once you’ve lost all control – you’re in a dangerous place. Having a horrible personality is another thing – its not the point of this post – I know it could be confusing as I was blabbing about it before. But simply put, you’re a mess. Fix yourself. Quit putting up a strong face, because honey you’re spinning out of control. If you are actually trying to fix yourself, I wouldn’t have much to say but a feeling of gratitude – but you are otherwise. Quit surrendering to your weaknesses and then blaming others for your misfortune. Learn to wipe your own shit. Your looks aren’t your strength when your brain and heart are only pitch black voids. Don’t let your weaknesses be your excuse, its becoming too meaningless.

You are so close to zero, you’re just a beautiful face. But remember, no amount of make-up can mask an ugly heart. I speak for myself too before I speak for others. May God guide us all. But I hope you’d find peace in yourself, soon. Very soon. I fear for you, little child. You’re going down a self-degrading path.

I love this so much, by Adriano Oliveira. Beautifully sketched and detailed.

Strangers stumbling upon this may not understand this post at all. I am intentionally trying to be as vague as I can, and avoid too many explicit details. First exam tomorrow. Tuesday onwards will be chaotic.

An unnecessary feeling of discomfort

Have I mentioned about how concerned I am about my dissertation? If I have, then  this is going to be annoying. I don’t usually bother myself with whatever that has or have passed – where there is nothing that I could do to change. So this dissertation-brooding is somewhat exceptional. I am not very sure why. But I feel slightly nervous. This adverse feeling is just annoying me, so I might as well write about it and see where it gets me. Sometimes writing helps me realise how useless this is and helps knock some sense into me. I am not the kind that whines and wastes my energy about the past – So this is just so weird. Although I am thankful that my worry is very slight. Like a feeling of discomfort, you know, anxiety? Though I don’t feel it all the time, only sometimes when something reminds me of it, and then when it triggers me to reminisce those chaotic days of hard-labour. Out of all projects and assignments, my dissertation had to be the one that I don’t feel too confident about. How tragic is that?

Alexander McQueen

I have not logged in to Facebook for a couple of days now, and not even Tumblr. Very impressive. Alhamdulillah. But I’ve been blogging more than ever. But that’s fine. I should get back to revision now.

I dreamt about a lover today. It was somebody I know. I can’t remember who it was. His voice was a familiar tone, though I couldn’t remember his face. But one thing I could be sure of was that my lover was no longer you.